Before I begin telling you about my experience with Pure O OCD, I would like to tell you three things. First, I am not including my name in this. The things I am about to share are very personal, and I have only told a few people. I'm actually not sure anyone has heard this story in its entirety. I don't want a potential employer or students from the school that I work at to google me and learn all about my struggles with Pure O OCD. I am not ashamed, but it could be very awkward. Second, I believe that homosexuality is both a choice and a sin. I know everyone does not share this opinion, but it is Biblical. Romans 1:24-27 and 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, along with numerous Old Testament verses, support this. I do not condemn those who choose to pursue a homosexual lifestyle any more than I condemn anyone else. We are all sinners who have fallen short of the glory of God, and we all have different struggles. Because homosexuality has been a part of my struggle with Pure O OCD, I just wanted to let you know where I stand on this issue. Third, I am deliberately going to avoid being too specific with details about my intrusive thoughts. Some of the thoughts I have had have included both images and words that I find disturbing (obviously) and that you probably would too. I also don't want to give your brain ideas about new triggers for you. That has happened to me while reading about Pure O, so I know it's possible. With that being said, I do want you to hear my story to help you know that you are not alone and that there is hope.
When I was in third grade, I played Upward Basketball. During the closing ceremony, the speaker talked about her brother who had been killed in a car accident. She shared that for a long time after he died, she stayed awake at night wondering where he was and if he'd truly believed in Jesus. Listening to her talk about that made me wonder if I truly believed. I wondered and wondered and then completely freaked out. What if I wasn't truly saved? What if I didn't truly believe? I tried to convince myself I did and sometimes succeeded, but the thoughts always came back. I talked to my parents about it and eventually discussed it with my associate pastor. I would feel better at the time, but the doubts always came back. I spent a year and half unsure whether I was saved or not, afraid that if I died at that moment, I would go to hell. I thought about it almost every time my thoughts strayed. It was terrifying. The pastor said you were supposed to remember the exact moment you were saved, and I didn't. I accepted Christ when I was 6, and I don't remember exactly where I was or how it felt. The pastor said you weren't saved unless "you knew that you knew that you knew" that you were...and I didn't. I begged God to give me peace and assurance, but it always alluded me. Then, in the summer after fourth grade, I went to a Girls Missions Camp, and during one of the evening services, something miraculous happened. I felt God speak to me. As they sang the final song, my heart beat really fast, and I felt God Himself tell me that I was His. He also placed a call to missions on my life, a call I'm still trying to figure out.
Remember me saying that God can miraculously bring assurance? Yeah, He can. I've experienced it firsthand. At nine years old, I didn't know I had a disorder. I didn't know what had occurred was truly a miracle. All I knew was that I was finally free.
Pure O OCD remained dormant in my mind throughout middle school. Then, when I was a freshman in high school, it reared its ugly head once again. One day as I left Sunday School, I was looking at a Christian magazine. It had an advertisement in it for a book about a guy who had struggled with homosexuality. The ad first gave me the idea that a person could be gay without wanting to be, that it wasn't a choice. After seeing that ad, I got very self-conscious about how I looked at other girls. If I thought a girl was pretty, I wondered if that meant I was attracted to her. If I as much as caught sight of a girl's behind while she was walking, I wondered if I was trying to look at it. Each time, something like this occurred to me, I attempted to rationalize the thought and convince myself it wasn't true. Eventually, I would believe it wasn't true. Then, I would test myself just to make sure, which inevitably triggered my anxiety all over again. Even if I didn't try to test myself, something would trigger more doubts and anxiety anyway.
At first, this only happened at school and with certain people or things. Then, it started happening everywhere and almost any time. I would wake up anxious, spend the day in a cycle of anxiety and assurance, and then stay up until I felt assured before falling asleep. I begged God to set me free. I begged Him to intervene and make it stop, but He didn't. One night while I was taking a shower, I sobbed, hoping and praying that my thoughts and fears weren't true. I stopped before I got out of the shower, but my mom noticed that my eyes were red and asked what was wrong. This was the first time my mom had noticed anything out of the ordinary, and I had been having these thoughts for at least a year. I broke down and told her how I was feeling. I told her I was struggling with homosexuality and didn't know how to make it stop. She comforted me and assured me it wasn't true and that the thoughts would go away. And they did get better...for a while. They never truly went away, not during high school and not during college. And my thoughts didn't limit themselves to homosexuality either. They extended to included fears of pedophilia as well, which of course horrified me even more. People might understand if you said you were struggling with homosexuality, but with pedophilia? No one would understand that, and I didn't either.
Over the years, I went through stages where I thought was getting better. I worked at a Christian camp for several summers, and I always felt better there. And that wasn't the only place. Sometimes, I would go a day, a week, maybe even a couple of weeks, without any severe OCD episodes. Then, something would trigger a really bad one, and I would spiral downward again. I begged God to set me free, to give me assurance and peace. But He didn't, and I didn't know what to do.
At some point while I was in college, I researched mental disorders and came across a description of Pure O OCD. I was ecstatic. The article described everything I was feeling perfectly. For the first time, the terrible thoughts and anxiety I had been feeling had a name. It took me a while to truly believe that I have it, but eventually I did. Knowing it wasn't completely my fault helped a little bit, but not enough and not all the time. I still prayed for God to deliver me, but He still didn't. Then, during my senior year of college, I went to an on-campus worship service. The speaker shared a little bit about his own mental disorder and first introduced me to the idea that I could trust God despite what was going on in my head. Even when I was having the terrible thoughts, I could still trust God. He still loved me, defined me, and forgave me. Even then. That was a radical concept for me. Until then, I thought I needed to overcome the thoughts, but that night, God told me that I didn't, that what He really wanted me to do was trust Him, regardless of my thoughts.
I'd like to say that I did that right away and that I never doubted what He told me to do, but I'd be lying. I struggled with it. It was hard to trust God and just let it go. I longed for the relief that temporary assurance provides and often succumbed to the temptation to confront the thoughts, so I could feel it. But I tried. I really did. Then, one of my close friends, who was also a Christian, told me she had decided to pursue a homosexual lifestyle. That sent me into a tailspin. What did that mean? If it could happen to her, could it happen to me?
After that, I went to see a Christian counselor. I shared how I had been feeling with her and told her I thought I had Pure O OCD. She had never heard of it, but she did advise me to ignore the thoughts as best I could and try not to feel anxious about them. She also gave me a few techniques to help me do that, one of which is the deep breath I recommended in the "Helpful Hints." After talking to her, I prayed, read my Bible, and sought God's will. At some point, He made it clear what He wanted from me. Trust. Radical, seemingly impossible, trust. Even when the thoughts are horrendous. Even when they terrify me. Trust.
It's been about 2 years since I really started trying that. Some days it's relatively easy, and some days it's still extremely hard. I have bad days sometimes, but they're not near as bad as they used to be. I also have a lot of good days. Sometimes, I have good weeks and even good months. The key is trust. Every day when the thoughts come, and they do, I have to decide to trust God, to let Him confront the thoughts for me. And when I fail, and I do, I have to forgive myself and move on.
My Pure O OCD isn't going away, and God has helped me accept that. I can't honestly say that I'm grateful that I have Pure O, but I am grateful for what God has taught me through it. I have learned to trust God on a level that many people can't imagine. He has taught me so much about what it truly means to find my identity in Him. If I could go back in time and prevent my 14-year-old self from looking at that magazine, I wouldn't because God has used my experience with Pure O to shape who I am. And I like who I am.
Making this website is a big step for me. I've told a few of my friends bits and pieces of this story, but I have never written it down like this. I've never even told my parents that I have Pure O OCD, mainly because I doubt they would believe me. They would think that OCD has to have outward compulsions, and they'd be wrong. Making this website has forced me to dwell on OCD more than I normally would and so has triggered a few mild OCD episodes. I'm okay with that because I want to help you. If you are a Christian suffering from Pure O OCD, you are NOT alone, and there is hope for you.
When I was in third grade, I played Upward Basketball. During the closing ceremony, the speaker talked about her brother who had been killed in a car accident. She shared that for a long time after he died, she stayed awake at night wondering where he was and if he'd truly believed in Jesus. Listening to her talk about that made me wonder if I truly believed. I wondered and wondered and then completely freaked out. What if I wasn't truly saved? What if I didn't truly believe? I tried to convince myself I did and sometimes succeeded, but the thoughts always came back. I talked to my parents about it and eventually discussed it with my associate pastor. I would feel better at the time, but the doubts always came back. I spent a year and half unsure whether I was saved or not, afraid that if I died at that moment, I would go to hell. I thought about it almost every time my thoughts strayed. It was terrifying. The pastor said you were supposed to remember the exact moment you were saved, and I didn't. I accepted Christ when I was 6, and I don't remember exactly where I was or how it felt. The pastor said you weren't saved unless "you knew that you knew that you knew" that you were...and I didn't. I begged God to give me peace and assurance, but it always alluded me. Then, in the summer after fourth grade, I went to a Girls Missions Camp, and during one of the evening services, something miraculous happened. I felt God speak to me. As they sang the final song, my heart beat really fast, and I felt God Himself tell me that I was His. He also placed a call to missions on my life, a call I'm still trying to figure out.
Remember me saying that God can miraculously bring assurance? Yeah, He can. I've experienced it firsthand. At nine years old, I didn't know I had a disorder. I didn't know what had occurred was truly a miracle. All I knew was that I was finally free.
Pure O OCD remained dormant in my mind throughout middle school. Then, when I was a freshman in high school, it reared its ugly head once again. One day as I left Sunday School, I was looking at a Christian magazine. It had an advertisement in it for a book about a guy who had struggled with homosexuality. The ad first gave me the idea that a person could be gay without wanting to be, that it wasn't a choice. After seeing that ad, I got very self-conscious about how I looked at other girls. If I thought a girl was pretty, I wondered if that meant I was attracted to her. If I as much as caught sight of a girl's behind while she was walking, I wondered if I was trying to look at it. Each time, something like this occurred to me, I attempted to rationalize the thought and convince myself it wasn't true. Eventually, I would believe it wasn't true. Then, I would test myself just to make sure, which inevitably triggered my anxiety all over again. Even if I didn't try to test myself, something would trigger more doubts and anxiety anyway.
At first, this only happened at school and with certain people or things. Then, it started happening everywhere and almost any time. I would wake up anxious, spend the day in a cycle of anxiety and assurance, and then stay up until I felt assured before falling asleep. I begged God to set me free. I begged Him to intervene and make it stop, but He didn't. One night while I was taking a shower, I sobbed, hoping and praying that my thoughts and fears weren't true. I stopped before I got out of the shower, but my mom noticed that my eyes were red and asked what was wrong. This was the first time my mom had noticed anything out of the ordinary, and I had been having these thoughts for at least a year. I broke down and told her how I was feeling. I told her I was struggling with homosexuality and didn't know how to make it stop. She comforted me and assured me it wasn't true and that the thoughts would go away. And they did get better...for a while. They never truly went away, not during high school and not during college. And my thoughts didn't limit themselves to homosexuality either. They extended to included fears of pedophilia as well, which of course horrified me even more. People might understand if you said you were struggling with homosexuality, but with pedophilia? No one would understand that, and I didn't either.
Over the years, I went through stages where I thought was getting better. I worked at a Christian camp for several summers, and I always felt better there. And that wasn't the only place. Sometimes, I would go a day, a week, maybe even a couple of weeks, without any severe OCD episodes. Then, something would trigger a really bad one, and I would spiral downward again. I begged God to set me free, to give me assurance and peace. But He didn't, and I didn't know what to do.
At some point while I was in college, I researched mental disorders and came across a description of Pure O OCD. I was ecstatic. The article described everything I was feeling perfectly. For the first time, the terrible thoughts and anxiety I had been feeling had a name. It took me a while to truly believe that I have it, but eventually I did. Knowing it wasn't completely my fault helped a little bit, but not enough and not all the time. I still prayed for God to deliver me, but He still didn't. Then, during my senior year of college, I went to an on-campus worship service. The speaker shared a little bit about his own mental disorder and first introduced me to the idea that I could trust God despite what was going on in my head. Even when I was having the terrible thoughts, I could still trust God. He still loved me, defined me, and forgave me. Even then. That was a radical concept for me. Until then, I thought I needed to overcome the thoughts, but that night, God told me that I didn't, that what He really wanted me to do was trust Him, regardless of my thoughts.
I'd like to say that I did that right away and that I never doubted what He told me to do, but I'd be lying. I struggled with it. It was hard to trust God and just let it go. I longed for the relief that temporary assurance provides and often succumbed to the temptation to confront the thoughts, so I could feel it. But I tried. I really did. Then, one of my close friends, who was also a Christian, told me she had decided to pursue a homosexual lifestyle. That sent me into a tailspin. What did that mean? If it could happen to her, could it happen to me?
After that, I went to see a Christian counselor. I shared how I had been feeling with her and told her I thought I had Pure O OCD. She had never heard of it, but she did advise me to ignore the thoughts as best I could and try not to feel anxious about them. She also gave me a few techniques to help me do that, one of which is the deep breath I recommended in the "Helpful Hints." After talking to her, I prayed, read my Bible, and sought God's will. At some point, He made it clear what He wanted from me. Trust. Radical, seemingly impossible, trust. Even when the thoughts are horrendous. Even when they terrify me. Trust.
It's been about 2 years since I really started trying that. Some days it's relatively easy, and some days it's still extremely hard. I have bad days sometimes, but they're not near as bad as they used to be. I also have a lot of good days. Sometimes, I have good weeks and even good months. The key is trust. Every day when the thoughts come, and they do, I have to decide to trust God, to let Him confront the thoughts for me. And when I fail, and I do, I have to forgive myself and move on.
My Pure O OCD isn't going away, and God has helped me accept that. I can't honestly say that I'm grateful that I have Pure O, but I am grateful for what God has taught me through it. I have learned to trust God on a level that many people can't imagine. He has taught me so much about what it truly means to find my identity in Him. If I could go back in time and prevent my 14-year-old self from looking at that magazine, I wouldn't because God has used my experience with Pure O to shape who I am. And I like who I am.
Making this website is a big step for me. I've told a few of my friends bits and pieces of this story, but I have never written it down like this. I've never even told my parents that I have Pure O OCD, mainly because I doubt they would believe me. They would think that OCD has to have outward compulsions, and they'd be wrong. Making this website has forced me to dwell on OCD more than I normally would and so has triggered a few mild OCD episodes. I'm okay with that because I want to help you. If you are a Christian suffering from Pure O OCD, you are NOT alone, and there is hope for you.